| I return |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|04:51 pm] |
It's one of those afternoons where the thick dark haze of gloom hits Time Square like a premature nightfall. The cab drivers turn off their "Off Duty" lights, the storekeepers stop rinsing off the sidewalk, the tourists break out their ponchos: these are all signs of an impending New York City summer storm. I descend the subway stairs and hop on the 1 train as the humidity of the day caves in on itself and the first few drops begin to fall, cleansing Broadway of the putrid smell of sweltering garbage rising from the subway grates. By the time I get out of the subway in Morningside Heights, the rain is falling in earnest. I am doused.
I'm wearing a black cotton dress and black canvas shoes, carrying a bouquet of dahlias and a tote bag. I take off running toward my apartment building, scattering a group of students from the Manhattan School of Music who are huddled under an awning smoking cigarettes. Inside my building, I forgo the elevator and race up the steps. Jasmine meows at me as I throw open the door. I spare her a quick pat on the head before racing to the bedroom and throwing off my doused clothing. I drape it over Chris's bicycle to dry and head to the bathroom. I take a quick shower; I'm just finishing what the rain has started.
Once out, I towel-dry my body and hair and throw on one of Chris's biggest t-shirts, then I sit at the computer to write the first real journal entry I've written since... February 3, 2009. The last entry before that was December 10, 2008. Before that.. September 4, 2007.
How do I start again after all that time? I've got to be careful. I kept an online public diary for 6 years of my life, and although it's tremendous for me to be able to click a link and read the way my mind worked 10 years ago, it also was quite dangerous for me to do that. It got me in trouble a couple of times - with my family, my friends, and even, in some cases, what could loosely be considered my "enemies," but only in the high school sense. I was always honest, and sometimes candid to a fault. I wrote these entries before the word "blogging" even existed, and as such, when people would stumble across them, they weren't always sure how to react. These days, honesty-via-internet seems to be the only way middle schoolers can interact.
Then again, there were sometimes when keeping a candid online journal helped people. When my best friend Lane died, I wrote a very long entry chronicling our friendship together, explaining a few of our more unusual memories, and reflecting on her death. Thanks to the powers of Google, many of her friends and family were pointed in the direction of that entry and commented to me later how much that entry helped them cope with her death. I will forever cherish the ability to go back and read entries like that, when my heart was on the table and I grew to understand it the best way I knew how at the time: through the internet. I'm sorry, but that's always been the way I operated. Since the age of eight I've been on the internet, pouring my heart out to strangers. The result is I'm both incredibly self-reflective and terribly public. Let's face it, drama school didn't help to assuage either of these aspects of my identity.
And then, there are the entries that I read that make me cringe. They're so painful I can barely stand to read past the first line. Most of these entries regard breakups, or the aftermath of breakups, or the new girlfriends that inevitably follow said breakups. As mature as I thought I was, when you get right down to it, I was a typical teenaged girl. I never would have admitted it then, but it's true. In a few ways, I was *too much* of a teenager - straight out of some John Hughes film. Chris says it best, every time I tell him a story from high school: "Wow. You were SO high school!"
Usually, when I take a break from journaling for a while, I write a tremendously long entry getting my imaginary reader (ie, me in 25 years) up-to-date on the recent goings-on of my life. Right now, that seems ridiculous and also completely pointless. Not only would there be way too much to write, but I've never written a serious entry on LiveJournal before. All my other detailed, intimate entries, exist on another, more private site. So I'd be catching up a gap that doesn't exist. This isn't a return, it's a new beginning. And I've always been one for great detail when I write. So, 48-year-old me, you'll just have to learn a little bit more about 23-year-old you through context clues.
As for now, I just got home from the final performance of the second session of the children's theatre camp where I teach theatre, dance, and music. Although a very rewarding job, the process is long and tiring, and after 2 months of it I'm ready for a break. Chris and I plan on spending the evening in the most relaxing way possible. We wanted to see Ponyo, but as that's not playing anywhere convenient, we will probably save it for another night. Tomorrow morning, I leave for South Carolina. I intended to go home for a week to see my family, some friends, and take in hometown life. Instead, my dad made last minute reservations at a beach house, and the moment I get home they're sweeping me off on a surprise vacation. I haven't been on a beach vacation with my whole family in... 6 years? Maybe more. This is the first year that we've all four of us had time off at the same time. At this point I'm trying to remember what one DOES on the beach all day.
I will end with an entry from my diary written August 31, 2002. Ladies and Gentlemen, behold the most romanticized description of a trip to Sonic that shall ever grace thine eyes:
Last night I had an elatingly peaceful moment.
It was 11:03 PM. I was already in a calm, sedated mood because I had been reading Jane Eyre all evening. When I got to the thirteenth chapter, I had drifted off into a slumber and the ringing of the phone woke me. It was George - a phone call I had been anticipating all night. I changed into pants (out of which I had changed earlier to go on a walk), got my keys, rubbed the sleep from my eyes and left, locking the door behind me.
I'd only driven at night twice before, once around 9 when the roads were still full, and the other time I had a passenger, Biskutt, with me. This time, I was alone, and it was 11:03 pm.
A soft rain was misting the windshield, blurring the bright colors of the stoplights and making them sparkle. "May Angels Lead You In" by Jimmy Eat World was playing soothingly on my CD player. The first stoplight is ALWAYS red, but this time I was not mad at it. I took it as time to sit there calmly, gathering my thoughts and resting my head against the back of my seat. When it turned green, I was still happy, because I was a step closer to my destination.
I drove slowly - half out of fear of being pulled over, half out of sedation which prevented me from going above 30 mph. The bright lights of signs along the street were strangely pretty, especially the colors of the giant red straws that serve as columns for Sonic - you know, they have the lights that blend and fade into rainbows of colors.
I pulled in, and for a brief moment panicked as I searched for a parking spot. I found one, and joined my friends.
I love driving at night. I love my friends.
Life is so beautiful.
Thanks, Sophomore year of High School Emily. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|07:50 pm] |
I'm not sure why I never write in here. Online journaling used to be my number 3 hobby, right behind killing myself with extracurricular activities and talking on AOL instant messenger. I didn't write here on livejournal, but on a smaller site where I could post more privately. I switched from writing daily entries to updating every couple of months around senior year of high school, and once I hit college I pretty much stopped writing all together.
I'm not sure why the change occurred. It's not like I suddenly had less free time; sure, I was busy in college, but I was pretty much just as busy in high school as well. Maybe it's just that the desire to write about myself, to chronicle the most minute details of my life in notepad, just left me.
I think that desire is back. |
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| random things |
[Feb. 3rd, 2007|10:23 pm] |
Here is one good reason why NYU is awesome:
I love that sometimes when I go to check my e-mail, I now see this.
Also, I must have watched this at least 7 times today. No joke.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QDGrNgxJDww
It's the best cartoon I've seen in a while and for some reason it makes me so happy that I can't stop watching it. I hope this gets picked up as a series. I recommend you check it out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|07:37 pm] |
I wish I played bass, just because if I did I would so own this bass:
look at the moon cycle on the frets!!
so instead I'm just going to try to convince kevin to buy this bass tomorrow so I can own it vicariously through him. I'm thinking I'll post pictures of it all around lizzy's room while they're asleep tonight. good morning! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|02:14 am] |
Every few years, a movie comes along that defines a generation.
Unfortunately for my generation, that movie is Step Up.
Or World Trade Center?
Depending on which trailer you're tuning out.
Um. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|11:05 pm] |
This just in: I'm not too hard to win over. If you want my undying love forever and ever, just find me a pair of these in 8 and a half medium:
http://cgi.ebay.com/Steve-Madden-YAOO-PEWTER-Shoes-Flats-Mary-Janes-6-M-NEW_W0QQitemZ180011760373QQcmdZViewItem
they're the same shoes I already have and have worn into the ground. I love them and don't want to find new shoes. I just want these.
Also, I have a free round trip to anywhere I want in the continental US anytime I want until a year from now. Suggestions of cool trip ideas and/or pleadings for me to come visit you may be placed here. |
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| going dark |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|03:01 am] |
My hair has been changed pretty radically and it's funny to me because the cut doesn't seem that different from what I always get - just better - and the color is actually my natural hair color. But still it is so incredibly different.
Reactions I have gotten thus far:
Anna, who did it (and is officially my favorite hair person ever), really loved it and called me mod and was very proud of herself I hope.
My mom, who has all but forced me to get highlights since the 7th grade, surprised me by being very happy with it. But then she told me I looked like Ashlee Simpson. And accused me of making an "Ashlee Simpson-like change." Right, because I totally have to step out of the shadow of my famous blonde older sister.
My sister really loved it and I was happily surprised when she didn't point out how close our colors are now (but her hair is way redder).
Kevin said it was pretty! Haha.
Kaylee said she really liked it and Dolan flipped out and was very excited.
Then later Kaylee said I was really hot with my new hair. You know Kaylee.
Tyler Hinman the movie star told me it was hot!! As did mister mazui the internet king.
And Danielle told me I was really pretty and made my day.
That's pretty much it. Sorry I don't have any pictures. I have a lump in my throat. |
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| pirates and ham |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|02:49 am] |
hamstravaganza = pirates and ham. on a boat. k-chods unpictured. that's all I have to say.
other than... pretty much the sole reason I post these is out of silliness. let it be known that none of these pictures are good...of anybody.
( Read more... )
I'm done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|01:50 am] |
This is pretty sad. I didn't include states through which I've merely driven. It's so, so obvious that I only half-heartedly visited places most likely because they were around where I was living (Florida, GA, NC ... all relatively short drives from SC ... and New Jersey is the only Northeastern state I've actually visited, because I live in NYC?). St. Louis/The Branson Chorus Trip add the ol' outlier Missouri to my collection. I vaguely remember going on a trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee in the 9th grade. Also, for some reason DC counts as its own thing, which meant I couldn't cheat and say I visited BOTH Maryland AND Virginia! Also, West Virginia seems kind of weird just hanging out there. But I'm pretty sure that West Virginia is where I stayed in a cabin with Rebekah Sweet that one time.
10 states. 19 percent of the country. Yeah, I'm quite the weathered traveler.
Will everyone please recommend a book or two or 20 for me to read this summer? So far the summer has been absolutely horrible and I think maybe reading will help me make the summer go away. |
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| homage |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|11:46 pm] |
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I was just thinking today, as I read my friends page, that a lot of people dedicate entire entries to other people. Like an entry that says "this one's for christine!" or an entry whose entire text is simply professing their love for another person. No one has ever written such an entry about me. I can't imagine why they would, but I still think it would be nice. |
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| I broke a chain |
[May. 11th, 2006|02:01 am] |
Remember how my livejournal used to be used by me to write really mysterious and cryptic entries about people who I knew would read them? How did it turn into megaquizcentral? Anyway, I'm doing this quiz so as to unbreak a chain, but not only am I overdue, I am about 4 days overdue being overdue. But here it goes anyway.
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|07:23 pm] |
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I really hope that everyone is having as amazing a semester as I am. |
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| a silly end of the year thing |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|01:53 pm] |
to pass the time while I wait to pick my sister up from the airport, and for my hair to dry.
[x] broke a promise
[x] made a new friend
[x] done something i swore never to do
[x] lied
[ ] stole
[ ] went behind your parents back
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] got arrested
[x] kissed in the rain
[ ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[x] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up something important to you
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were.
[x] made a total fool of yourself
[x] met great people
[x] went thru a breakup
[x] random hookup
[ ] got pulled over
[ ] talked your way out of a ticket
[ ] lost a friend to death
[ ] enjoyed your year to the fullest no matter how weird, crazy, stupid, or abnormal you looked while doing it
I just think the last one is way too cheesy to answer. This entire post is way stupid. |
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| uh... got this from yung-i |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|09:33 pm] |
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if you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. it can be anything you want--good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you. |
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| heurté par la foudre |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|04:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
And although I am agonizingly unaware of what's going to happen...
that's just part of the fun. :) |
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| auuuuuugh |
[Oct. 2nd, 2005|11:40 pm] |
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how is it that I constantly get myself into such awkward situations and relationships? |
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| this is dumb but passes time |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|11:44 am] |
as kevin said, "blah blah bold what you are...add one..."
-I am a college student.
-I am a cuddler.
-I am a good dancer.
-I am a huge fan of lists.
-I am a morning person.
-I am a perfectionist.
-I am a Republican.
-I am allergic to something deadly.
-I am an only child.
-I am Catholic.
-I am content as of this moment.
-I am currently in my pajamas.
-I am currently pregnant.
-I am currently single.
-I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
-I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father.
-I am good at styling other people's hair.
-I am left handed.
-I am married.
-I am obsessed with my LJ.
-I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
-I am procrastinating by filling out this list.
-I am resentful that I have to grow up.
-I am very shy around the opposite sex.
-I am, or was, pigeon-toed.
-I bite my nails.
-I can be paranoid at times.
-I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go.
-I collect picture frames.
-I consider myself to be a "nerd".
-I currently have a crush on someone.
-I currently regret something that I have done.
-I curse frequently.
-I do not believe people are inherently good or evil, rather they are inherently lazy.
-I don't hate anyone.
-I enjoy country music.
-I enjoy jazz music.
-I enjoy smoothies.
-I enjoy talking on the phone.
-I have a car.
-I have a cell phone.
-I have a hard time paying attention at school.
-I have a hidden talent.
-I have a hobby.
-I have a lot to learn.
-I have a pet.
-I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
-I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" girl/guy.
-I have all my grandparents, none of them have died.
-I have at least one brother and/or sister.
-I have avoided work to play with my livejournal.
-I have been in a real relationship.
-I have been in a threesome.
-I have been rejected by someone.
-I have been the "psycho ex" in a past relationship.
-I have been to an anime convention.
-I have been to another country.
-I have been to Europe.
-I have been to Las Vegas.
-I have been told that I am very smart.
-I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
-I have broken a bone.
-I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
-I have changed a diaper.
-I have changed a lot over the past year.
-I have cheated on a significant other.
-I have counted down the days until the summer.
-I have dated a close friend's ex.
-I have dated someone 10 years (or more) older or younger than me.
-I have done something illegal.
-I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
-I have gone scuba diving.
-I have had major surgery.
-I have had my hair cut within the last week.
-I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
-I have had the cops called on me.
-I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
-I have kissed someone of the same sex.
-I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
-I have mood swings.
-I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
-I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
-I have rejected someone before.
-I have seen "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
-I have seen the television show "The O.C."
-I have swum in the ocean.
-I have tried a drug that is illegal.
-I have tried sushi.
-I have watched "Sex and the City".
-I have watched porn movies.
-I have watched the television show "Spongebob Squarepants".
-I know how to shoot a gun.
-I like being the center of attention.
-I like eating Ramen noodles.
-I like my handwriting.
-I like Shakespeare.
-I like the taste of blood.
-I like to cook.
-I like to sing.
-I like to vacuum.
-I love learning foreign languages.
-I love Michael Jackson.
-I love my friends.
-I love olives.
-I love rain.
-I love sleeping.
-I love to play computer games.
-I love to shop.
-I miss someone right now.
-I own 100 CDs or more.
-I own a home.
-I own and use a library card.
-I play a musical instrument.
-I practice a religion that is not considered "mainstream".
-I read books for pleasure.
-I shave my legs.
-I sleep a lot during the day.
-I strongly dislike math.
-I think Britney Spears is pretty.
-I think long strings of html code look cool.
-I think prostitution should be legalized.
-I think that Pizza Hut makes the best pizza.
-I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
-I was born in a country other than the USA.
-I watch more TV this year than last year.
-I watch MTV on a daily basis.
-I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
-I wear glasses or contact lenses.
-I will try anything once.
-I work at a job that I enjoy.
-I would classify myself as "ghetto".
-I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
-I like orange kool aid.
-I can name all 7 of the dwarfs from 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.
-I like being at school.
-I always love wearing sweaters.
-I love water polo.
-I am currently wearing socks.
-I am being nostalgic right now.
-I hate summative season.
-I am (le) tired.
-I love to paint.
-I think too much
-I have a subsciptiont to The Economist
-I would let scientists experiment on me for the chance to gain a superpower
-I don't listen to the radio |
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| freud |
[May. 6th, 2005|06:50 pm] |
I had a dream last night.
I dreamt that I was seeing a show at Workshop theatre and my friends from NYU were there, they were in the front few rows, center. I was left, and back a little behind them. Hannah was sitting a row behind me. The show started out with a man coming onstage and singing - not too great - when all of my NYU friends started standing up, exclaiming to each other that we were all locked in and they wanted to be able to get out. They looked at me for help but I didn't say anything. Then they started saying it louder and louder, "we're locked in! unlock the doors so we can get out if we need to!" until the man onstage singing stopped and said "oh, it's ok, I'll - I'll start over" and goes offstage, repositioning himself to start the show from the top. No one but my NYU friends is phased by the fact that we are locked in. Nothing after that happened, I woke up.
To me, this dream is sooooo symbolic of so many things, one of the most easily interpretable dreams I've ever had - if dream interpretation even exists. We were seeing a show at Workshop - a theatre from home. The fact that it was at Workshop and not at Town shows how the recent drama (no pun intended) in the theatre community back home is stressing me out lately, making me feel unrooted. Hannah does not represent Hannah herself, she represents my friends back home, or more applicably my life back home. The reason it's her and not someone from High school or someone who went off to college is that Hannah has stayed in high school, the same stage of life that she was when I last new her. My friends that went to college have changed, those relationships have changed entirely - some grown stronger, some don't exist at all anymore, no one is the same person. Although Hannah has (obviously) changed over time as well, it is within the same constraints, and so she represents something static - the primal element of Home.
My friends from NYU are obviously up front and center in my life right now, as they are in the theatre. Recently I've learned to put my own concerns in the back (and to stage left, I guess, haha), concentrating more on others. My NYU friends in the dream represent not only themselves but my life at NYU, and who I've become as a person there. They are not from where I am from, they are not clouded by tradition. They are able to see the stiflingness of home - they feel themselves locked in, unable to get out. They demand to be let out, unconstrained by my Home. I and the other Columbians around me do not notice the lock on the door because we have always known it - we just all figure if we ever need to get out in the middle of the show, the doors will be unlocked for us and we will be allowed to leave.
So, with my old life (represented by Hannah - but still keep in mind that this obviously does not represent HANNAH, as it is a negative connotation in these terms of the dream) over my shoulder I am confronted with the realization that my new self (represented by my NYU friends and their public clamor) will not fit into my old surroundings anymore. That isn't to say that I pretentiously find myself so changed that I am above the south or something - on the contrary, I have grown and changed to truly appreciate my home. But the dream was answering the question I've been asking myself for the past few weeks - "have I really changed? I don't feel it. I don't see it." Yes, I have, and it may seem unnoticeable to me but it is something bigger - I have to allow myself to keep that old life over my shoulder, while not forgetting that the door is locked and that it's up to me to do something about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|12:27 am] |
saw parade tonight with josh, as performed by the vocal performance majors of steinhardt school of education here at nyu.
yeah that was an enjoyable voice recital. |
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emilythespoon's journal